Cannibal Haiku

Haiku #179

2011-08-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

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Next Time Send A Card, Maybe?

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Breakups during sex:
A gnar way to tell someone.
But then, so's herpes.

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Cannibal Haiku Presents: Bad Poetry Fridays #2

2011-08-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

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James McIntyre, Canadian, single-handedly created the genre of the cheese ode. History does not record what toil and struggle it must have cost him to wrest this form from the æther.

That's probably for the best, because he was probably all covered in curds.

Without further ado, the apex of dairy-related poetry:

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Ode on a Mammoth Cheese
Weight over seven thousand pounds.

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We have seen thee, queen of cheese,
Lying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze,
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you'll go
To the great Provincial show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees,
Or as the leaves upon the trees,
It did require to make thee please.
And stand unrivalled, queen of cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to to send you off as far as
The great world's show at Paris.

Of the youth beware of these,
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek, then songs or glees
We could not sing, oh! queen of cheese.

We'rt thou suspended from balloon,
You'd cast a shade even at noon,
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.

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...Yep, James, that pretty much sums it up.

Haiku #178

2011-08-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

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And That's Why We Can't Have Nice Things

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Unconditional:
Love, dancing, cash, bacon, friends.
Not so, heart disease.

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Cannibal Haiku Presents: Bad Poetry Fridays #1

2011-08-12T16:19:00.001-07:00
This poem answers a question I get asked by readers all the time: "What is liquid?!" They always say it with an interrobang.

It's best to allow Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle, to answer.

What is Liquid?

All that doth flow we cannot liquid name
Or else would fire and water be the same;
But that is liquid which is moist and wet
Fire that property can never get.
Then 'tis not cold that doth the fire put out
But 'tis the wet that makes it die, no doubt.

It's worth noting that Wikipedia said she was a scientist, which goes shows you how easy it was to discover things in the 17th century.

(N.B. women in science are badass.)

Haiku #177

2011-08-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

Cannibal Haiku is now old enough to be considered sexually attractive in Late Capitalism.

Dr. Crusher

Coconut crabs:
God's way of telling us all,
"Don't live on islands."

Haiku #176

2011-08-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Interiority, Indeed

Your deepest feelings
Are mostly indigestion.
A common mistake.

Hi. You´re here?

2010-10-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

This blog gets less funny in reverse chronological order. There might have been a 'Golden Mean' somewhere in the middle. I don´t know. I got pretty depressed and it stopped being funny. On the other hand, it had more jokes about life being meaningless - so that's a plus!

Regardless, you might like this archive. I do plan to edit it down and condense it into a new site. But I´m in Reykjavik right now making a movie. I AM SO BUSY AND IMPORTANT, OK?

Enjoy.

New Format

2010-02-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

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Expect a rollout of the Cannibal Haiku archive in single-page webcomic/random access format at www.cannibalhaiku.com.
(No, it doesn't work yet. Deal with it).

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Valediction and Final Daily Haiku

2010-02-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

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Goodnight, Sweet Prince:
(#78/175)

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Friends, Romans, Robots:
Ghenghis Khan knew when he should quit.
Bitches be tired.

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This is a Japanese print of a kitty. If you want something grosser, you can click here.

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This has been my 175th Cannibal Haiku.

After writing over 9000 darkly comic haiku over six months, I'm bored.
I want to put my daily flippancy-rays to other uses, and feel I've done what I can with this medium.

I may write more as the mood strikes, but I won't do it on a schedule.

So what now?

As my plans currently stand, look forward to the rollout of What The Heart Would Say. It will be a web comic, but it won't be funny, and I don't plan to put it on the internet. I will only distribute it in small books I give to hobos and babies.

"Babies can't read," you say?

You're wrong. They can't read yet.

Get ready for science.

I love you all.

Selections from my more "serious" poetry can be found here:
http://moderncannibals.blogspot.com

- Jackson Charles Randall

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Daily Haiku #STFU

2010-02-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

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Behold:
ye merry gentlemen:

I'm taking a week off. See you then.

This is an example of shunga, Ukiyo-e prints which blatantly depict sex acts.
Surprise! It's a dick.

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Daily Haiku #76

2010-02-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

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I Had A Dream Like This,
Except In It All My Classmates Were Lobsters.

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O! To sleep! To dream!
To be nude, slathered in butter,
Attending classes.

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Daily Haiku #73

2010-01-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

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Methamphetamines:
The Gift That Keeps On Giving

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You see, if you're poor
And you have makeup, then you're hot.
That's poor-ology.

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Bonus: Infallible Haiku, Part I

2010-01-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

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Infallible Haiku
Being A Series Of Meditations Upon The Papacy
In Our Moderne Time

Part I

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He doesn't play the game.
The obvious question, then, is:
Why's he make the rules?

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Raping Irish boys;
Wearing red bespoke dandy shoes:
All in a day's work.

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They're infallible,
Except for science, the future,
Logic, and Hitler.

BONUS
If sex is so bad,
Is it better to masturbate
To my confessions?*

*The answer is obviously yes.

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Daily Haiku #71

2010-01-27T19:12:00.000-08:00

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White House Correspondence,
vol. 1

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Ho! Human flesh-bags!
I come from space to greet you all!
Your planet is doomed.

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Daily Haiku #70

2010-01-26T14:12:00.000-08:00

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Ah, So That's Why
They Do That In Norway.

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Night sweats. They're great, sure;
But even better is being
Turned into lutefisk.

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Daily Haiku #69

2010-01-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

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Mortgages, Soccer Practice,
And Other Forms Of Bondage Too Horrible To Print.

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"Human Capital".
It is an interesting term,
Like "Wage Slavery."

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Yes, yes, I know it's post #69. What do you want, a medal?

Bonus: On Social Anxiety

2010-01-24T02:44:00.000-08:00

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Social Anxiety As Fact And Tool
An Dialectic

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Sometimes, at parties,
I wonder what it would be like
If clothes were snack food.

Other times, I find myself
Having lots to say to the hosts
Until I get there.

Cocktails can help some,
True, as can absurdism, but
Best of all? Leaving.

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Daily Haiku #68

2010-01-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

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Sickness comes, but rarely
Does sickness come so cleverly:
A rabbit suit? Sweet.

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Anti-Cannibal Haiku #67

2010-01-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

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"I Believe That In The New Millenium, Everyone Will Be Insane."
- Tony Kushner

or

Bacon! That's My Bacon, You Bastards!

or

This One Isn't Very Funny,

I Promise.

No, I'm serious.

...

Fine, You Asked For It.

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I made a joke one time.
So it went like this: God makes world;
World makes God; we die.

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*wacky cartoon music ending*

Cannibal Haiku #66

2010-01-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

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I Suppose Hunger Does Work Like That

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For a Klondike Bar,
I'd kill a man with my hands.
Then I'd eat my hands.

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Daily Haiku #65

2010-01-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

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This Is, Admittedly, Rather Obscure
One Might Even Say "Gnomic"

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A Viennese scene:
Wagner walks his pet lobster, Hans.
Somewhere, Satie weeps.

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Daily Haiku #64

2010-01-19T21:51:00.000-08:00

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Why Liszt Is Better Than You

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While you practice scales,
Lizst is sexing countesses.
The wages of sin.

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Daily Haiku #63

2010-01-17T13:47:00.000-08:00

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Lines Written Above The Trojan Records Box Set

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Hey, Rudy, a message:
If you beat cops, the cops will
Beat your family.

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Daily Haiku #62

2010-01-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

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Really, Kayla?

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Pretension ain't bad;
It's just, when you have babies,
They're named Baudelaire.

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Daily Haiku #61

2010-01-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

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Mitchell Morris Explains Symbolism In Brief

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Charles Baudelaire:
Opium and absinth, fine.
But, oh! Teenage girls!

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Daily Haiku #60

2010-01-13T00:10:00.000-08:00

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The Perks of Being an Electrical Tower

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Nikolai Tesla,
You knew about chain lightning,
And pimpin' bitches.

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Daily Haiku #59

2010-01-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

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The Basic Problems Of Being A Micronation

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Let's take Estonia.
No, not as an example;
Let's just go take it.

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Daily Haiku #58

2010-01-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

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Learning stuff one knows.
Reminder, or waste of cash?
Oh, shit! A midterm!

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Speed Haiku A

2010-01-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

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Ivana vs. Keiko: The Deathmatch

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Oh, deep-fried babies?
Their skulls are tender, it's true.
But then, they would be.

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Written and posted in 4 minutes before class.

Bonus: Felis Domesticus vs. Common Sense & Dignity

2010-01-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

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I used to hate cats.
Then I ate a cat. Bad call:
PETA bombed my car.

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You're a kitty, aren't you? Yes you are!
http://xkcd.com/231/

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Daily Haiku #57

2010-01-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

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Women are people.
It's a little-known fact that
Death is people, too.

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Daily Haiku #56

2010-01-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

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Aesthetic question:
A nude, wrapped in bacon parts.
Two kinds of dinner?

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Daily Haiku #55

2010-01-09T00:40:00.000-08:00

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Sup Dawg, I Herd You Liek Sum Christopher Langan
In Your Langan, So I Used Your Cognitive-Theoretic
Model Of The Universe To Prove God.

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The smartest human:
A ripped Long-Island bouncer.
God's jokes are morbid.

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Huh? No, really, he's the smartest man in the world.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Langan

Here's his own page:
http://www.megafoundation.org/CTMU/Articles/Theory.html

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Daily Haiku #54

2010-01-09T00:27:00.000-08:00

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Well, That Explains The Bile Industry...

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Silence is golden.
It's also true that, sometimes,
So are gall stones.

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Daily Haiku #53

2010-01-07T18:19:00.000-08:00

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At Least It's Not Intestine

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Like snow in Winter,
We're microcrystalline bits
That large bears pee on.*

*This may not be strictly true.

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Daily Haiku #52

2010-01-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

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Unlike your family, Cannibal Haiku will never retire. Actually, with this economy, your family might not either.

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New Years' Day In the Time of Gentrification

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New Years' Eve is fun,
If by "fun" you mean "Guys will
Throw up on your shoes."

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Daily Haiku #51

2010-01-04T19:46:00.000-08:00

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Welcome back, gang. Can you say "senioritis"?
I can, but I'll get around to it later.

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Winter, Senior Year.
Today, we're clever students;
In June, we're homeless.

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Emergency Update Alpha-Numerico

2009-12-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

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We are informing you that here for the now the thingplace known as this will be as want sleepy-bye 'till Eulenspiegel wakes us on le the la les 4th of Januaru, and then we shall kiss osculate love bacon kiss ourselves and see if we still live. Behold above below, O love: adieu for now, Brown Cow. Shalom!

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Lines Written Above Our Vacation Lasting Until December 18th: An Poem And Epode In Proseoetry

2009-12-09T00:17:00.000-08:00

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BEHOLD!

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Cannibal Haiku is on vacation to Northern climes until December 18th.

(We have reached our 50th daily haiku post and our 122nd haiku. Shit be real, fool.)

We will miss your face, particularly in our salads.

NAMASTE.*

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*This is not a Japanese saying. But Mr. Salaryman would know some:
http://www.mrsalaryman.com

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Daily Haiku #50

2009-12-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

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We Are Going To Die:
A Novella, or,
How To Have Fun On Winter Break:
Letters from the Cold-Burn Unit.

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Record cold weather?
Guys, I've got a fail-proof plan:
An Oregon road trip!

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Bonus: Religion As She Is Spoke

2009-12-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

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Religion As She Is Spoke

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I love the Organ:
My favorite instrument
Is the cathedral.

But in cathedrals,
The most effective sermons
Were always thumbscrews.

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English As She Is Spoke: a Portuguese-English dictionary
written by men who knew only Portuguese and French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_As_She_Is_Spoke

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Daily Haiku #49

2009-12-08T02:15:00.000-08:00

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Depression's no joke.
But you know what is funny?
No, I don't either.

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Daily Haiku #48

2009-12-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

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His experiment
With the Firefox costume
Was tragically short.

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Daily Haiku #47

2009-12-06T00:08:00.000-08:00

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A Primer On Renaissance Politics
(a simple guide for the uninitiated)*

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A little bird told me.
Then I killed it, for being
Such a tattletale.

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*Thankfully, we're more civilized now.

.

Daily Haiku #46

2009-12-05T23:56:00.000-08:00

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Why Theatre Critics Are Assholes

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Musicals are "gay"?
Composition fallacy.
Only the actors.

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Daily Haiku #45

2009-12-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

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Cannibal Haiku is now old enough that it's realized "mortgage" contains the word "mort" for a reason.

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Cherry trees in bloom.
Listen, son. Spring is saying
Your friends all hate you.

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(SON, I AM DISAPPOINT.)

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Bonus: Attention, Bitches.

2009-12-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

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TODAY:

Responses to Famous Poems, Or,
Autopoesis in Metaphysical Cthonicism: A Textual Commentary, Or,
Perpectual Obfuscation: The Academic's Guide to Career Development

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Why I Am Not A Painter
(by Frank O'Hara)

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I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,

for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.

But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.

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Why I Am Not A Ninja

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I am not a ninja, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a ninja, but I am not. Well,

for instance, Hiroki the Flying Fist of Death
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and shut up," he
says. I drink. I shut up. I look
up. "Your painting looks...nice."
"You're goddamn right it does."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and as I am going
Hiroki singlehandedly defends himself
against the zombie robot armies
of Katakana Mad-Eye and saves the princess
of the realm, dropkicking many
and leaving few alive. I drop by
and he has painted the canvas
with the green blood of the undead.
"Where's the princess?"
All that's left is just
dresses, "I outsexed her," Hiro says.

But me? One day I am thinking of
a princess: Susan. I write a line
about Susan. Pretty soon I am
jacking off in my bed to my
elaborate fantasies of Susan,
and her chambermaids,
and what exactly is possible
with two girls and a cup.
I'm finished and I haven't
even finished my poem yet.
It's been twelve minutes,
I call out, "Shit." And one day in a gallery,
I see Hiroki's painting, called,
"Attention Bitches: I Am Subtle Like the Lotus Blossom."

(Jack Randall)

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Bonus: How To Gargle Cthulhu, &c.

2009-12-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

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How To Gargle Cthulhu,
And Other Helpful Advice For Incipient Lovecraftians:
An Anthologie.

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Cthulhu loves you,
This I know, for the Bible
Is total bullshit.

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They say it's pronounced
Only by gargling baby,
While drunk: "Cthulhu."

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O, Tentacle-rape.
I hardly knew thee. Um, wait,
I didn't mean...AGGGPTTHH!

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Transdimensional
Cities of Evil aren't known
For their traffic-jams.

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Yo, Lovecraft: Next time you write about an
Old God from beyond the far depths of time and space, don't end
By having a guy drive a boat through it.
(10 + 14 +10)

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Wondering what I'm talking about? A brief overview of its unknowableness:
http://www.cthulhu.org/cthulhu/index.html

The original short story is here:
http://www.dagonbytes.com/thelibrary/lovecraft/thecallofcthulhu.htm

All images from "Kites in Ukiyo-e, " here:
http://www.asahi-net.or.jp/~ET3M-TKKW/scrap-02.html

Ukiyo-e is a wonderful genre. More about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukiyo-e

Also, fuck you.

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Daily Haiku #44

2009-12-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

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Behold: Giant Sloths.
How many would it take to
Outrun and eat you?

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ground_sloth

F.Y.I. & Thank You

2009-12-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

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Hey, gang! Cannibal Haiku has featured over 100 haiku since it started, back in October. (There's 108 of mine, if you want to be specific). The only reason writing them means anything is because you read them. So keep coming, and tell your friends. I love you all.

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This interlude of human feeling was brought to you by Borax.
Borax: Cleaner homes for a cleaner future.

www.borax.com

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Daily Haiku #43 + 4

2009-12-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

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What if drugs were luck?
"Ain't no heroin addict;
God just loves my arms."

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Camus Kitty here.
So, like, why can't I outsource
My solipsism?

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Perfectionism
May be arrogance, but still,
I've perfected it.

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"Camus Kitty? Hi.
I was wondering. Would you
Nibble my purpose?"

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The Cure and Camus both
Liked fictional dead Arabs.
Was it for the oil?

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Daily Haiku #42

2009-12-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

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Cannibalism
Causes encephalitis.
It's a proven fact.

(Lesser known, perhaps,
Is that carnivores are the
Only beings with souls.)

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Daily Haiku #41 + 6

2009-11-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

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EMERGENCY REPORT ON THE NATURE OF THEOLOGY
featuring prominent dead persons
(and one anthropomorphic deity)

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Carl Sagan, here.
In a billion galaxies,
We can't find Jesus.

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I, Charles Babbage,
Difference Engine maker,
Have found no watches.

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John Maynard Keynes: "I
Wonder how Nature handles
Your ineconomy."

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Chateaubriand says,
"If God existed, we would
Be forced to hate him."

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Voltaire, however,
Thinks if God did not exist,
We would invent him.

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Hello. I'm Ganesh.
It's turtles all the way down,
Just to let you know.

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A watery tart
Throwing swords is no basis
For a government!

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All woodcuts by Hiroshige:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiroshige

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Daily Haiku #40

2009-11-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

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Croquet by moonlight.
Cemetaries are playgrounds
That swarm with zombies.

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Daily Haiku #39

2009-11-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

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We're all hungover.
"Hey, another Mojito!"
The best bad idea.

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Happy thanksgiving.
No cancer or baby jokes.
I love my friends, man.

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Oh. The Indians.
Nevermind them...nevermind.
Let's think of turkey.

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Daily Haiku #1,000-minus-970-odd

2009-11-26T03:20:00.000-08:00

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I've been inconsistent in my postings as of late.
This is because I am being consumed from within by saprophytes.
Consider these 9 haiku an apology present.

(Why isn't that a more generally accepted genre of present?)

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My dog ate my cat.
Convenient: I pet my dog,
and pet my cat, too.

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Coprophagia.
I strongly encourage you
Not to look it up.

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A thoughtful evening.
What if Hobbes' Leviathan
Had a massive dick?

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Don't drop out of school.
I tried once, with mixed results,
Though lots of women.

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Five Haiku Outtakes in March Time

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Homer was kinky.
Old Tiresias the Blind
Had big ol' man tits.

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You like it both ways.
That is, alive, or less so.
...You like it both ways.

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Oh, you're a cynic?
Diogenes was baller;
You're not so clever.

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One billion dollars:
Enough to feed the hungry,
Or take cocaine baths.

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Things pass. It's not sad,
Just mute, like water flowing,
Or a winter rain.

FIN

(That whooshing sound was, apparently, sentiment. It won't happen again.)

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Daily Haiku #37

2009-11-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

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So many stories:
One morning you leave for work,
And never get there.

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Daily Haiku #36

2009-11-22T20:17:00.000-08:00


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Luminescent day.
You're spooning. She moves to speak.
"I never loved you."

*whomp whomp
trombone slide*

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Daily Haiku #35 (+9 Narrative Points)

2009-11-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

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Cannibal Haiku is now old enough for all joy and meaning to have been sapped from its wearied frame.

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THE SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS,
OR ETERNITY IN YOUR MOUTH:
AN NARRATIVE

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I get back from lunch.
My boss is nowhere that's here.
Guess it's Haiku time.

Haiku narrative?
A contradictory thought,
Like, say, "smart baby."

Oh, you like babies?
Like, for dinner? Or footwear?
Or toothpaste, or...

No, I jest. I jest.
Everyone knows that is wrong.
Babies are snack food!

What a dumb mistake.
Like writing haiku as if
They were all stanzas.

Hey, I have one more:
Spring rain, sweet cherry blossoms.
Babies are snack food.

Get it? Recursion.
Wait. "Did you mean 'recursion'?"
Yes, thank you, Google.

Wait, I have another:
You don't like narrative poems?
Go fuck your mother.*

- Late Autumn, gazing upon Fowler Lake
and Manuka of Whakatane, Talisman of Life and Death, 2009 BCE.

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*(It's funny because
If you did, would it be
Considered kosher?)

Yes, that's a milk+beef joke.
Get it?
Disgusting.

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Daily Haiku #34 +2

2009-11-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

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Three Questions,
Or, Haiku Written Hung Over At Work Before My Boss Comes In And I Drop The Artifacts Because I Can't See Straight;
Or, A Moral Quandary In Dimembered Parts;
Or, Come On, Ride The Vomit Train, There's Room For Everyone.

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A Thursday morning.
A man sits, raping a bear.
Why are you laughing?

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Strange sex practices:
Accountant drones file tax returns.
Why bother living?

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Buttered french bread.
One thousand dead French people.
...Guess it's mine, then?

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Bonus Haiku: Letters to Dead Intellectuals, Parts II-V

2009-11-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

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Letters to Dead Intellectuals, Parts II-V
being a continuation of the threnody for the victims of Claude Levi-Strauss, aforementioned

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Dear Charles Darwin:
You explained the Universe,
But sucked at shaving.

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O, Bertrand Russell:
The Germans still ruined it all.
Fuck Kurt Godel.

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Waiting for Godel:
An eternal golden braid
Of pseudoscience.

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Herr Bertholt Brecht:
Lights, curtains...He's dead. No tricks.
Very Brechtian.

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Bonus Putdown Outtake, Vol. 2

Alfred North Whitehead:
Despite your clever math-maths,
Your name's disgusting.

Daily Haiku #33 + Illness Apology Thank-You Letters A-Q

2009-11-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

Even if you're in a leap year, Cannibal Haiku is still one month old. Congratulations, gang. You have progressed to the next level. Soon age will claim all you love.

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Are you a racist?
A quick test: look at your friends.
Your questions, answered.

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Apocalypse now:
In neo-Tokyo 3,
Jesus eats babies.

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"Jerk! Where's the condom?"
"Oh, were you not on the Pill?"
A series of tubes.

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Alternate Version:

"Jerk! Where's the condom?"
"Oh, were you not on the Pill?"
Leave the country.

Super-Secret Bonus Poem #276 (Beta)

2009-11-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

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A luscious clamshell.
Strewn Mormon undergarments.
Sapphos in Orem.

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Daily Haiku #29-32

2009-11-16T12:53:00.000-08:00

I'm neither dead nor trapped inside the Chantry, so Cannibal Haiku returns, like Osiris' dick in the night. Or your inexplicable hatred of tapioca.

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"So, Steve, how long
Have you been a total prick?"
Deceptive question.

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Tape dispensers stick.
You unstick the tape. All day.
Your purpose in life.

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"Hey, Amy. What's up?"
"You killed my whole family."
"That's anecdotal."

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To truly hate, you
Must first have loved; however,
Sex is optional.

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Daily Haiku #28

2009-11-11T22:19:00.000-08:00

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I have swine flu.
No, no, I'm fine. Don't worry.
*EXPLOSIVE VOMIT*

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Daily Haiku #27

2009-11-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

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You wake up. It's day.
The mirror shows you four tits:
Hormone imbalance.

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Daily Haiku #26

2009-11-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

Cannibal Haiku is now old enough to get raped by bears. Oh, wait. They don't card for that.

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I had a first date.
"So do you like...um...movies?"
I had a last date.

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Daily Haiku #25

2009-11-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

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Festivus

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A hipster party.
Wine bottles smashed on guys' faces:
Don't fuck with Russians.

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Daily Haiku #24

2009-11-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

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They had just one rule:
Don't steal from the homeless guys.
I just got fired.

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Daily Haiku #[Googolplex]

2009-11-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

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I got Google Wave.
Now they own the internets:
Someday they'll own you.

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Sergei Brin, come.
I love you for your brilliance,
And want your money.

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I sing of Google.
When all the libraries burn,
We'll live in servers.

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Daily Haiku #22

2009-11-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

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Hey, a fire alarm.
My hair won't set it off, right?
PLEASE EVACUATE.

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in memoriam phillipine burial shroud and the smoke detection laser

Bonus: Claude Levi-Strauss is Dead

2009-11-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

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R.I.P Claude Levi-Strauss, Linguist and Anthropophage
May you kick Manilowski's ass in heaven.

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You might have founded anthropology,
explained table manners, mythology, and flowers,
But apparently you've been dead for hours.(1)

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Penseés Sauvages:
Levi-Strauss is dead, and yet
G.W. Bush still lives.

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(1) For a time 10/14/10 was the standard way to translate haiku,
but after the 50s this was dropped in favor of concision. TMYK.
(2) Don't you hate footnotes?

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Daily Haiku #21 + 1

2009-11-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

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Two Songs of Yearning

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It turns out AIDS is
Not as helpful as it sounds.
That wacky Malthus...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malthusian_catastrophe

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Haley Joel Osmont:
"Walker told me I have AIDS."
Hit it, Keyboard Cat.

lhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJ5w4MkFofc

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Daily Haiku #20

2009-11-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

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The Tragedy of the Commons: 1066

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A year of wonders.
Newton invents calculus;
I catch syphillis.

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Daily Haiku #19

2009-11-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

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A Day With Kurt Gödel

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You like proving maths,
So I put some math in your maths
So now you can't prove them.

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hommage a loltheorists

Daily Haiku #18

2009-10-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

Cannibal Haiku is old enough to vote, have sex, and fight wars, but not to drink that heinous poison alcohol.

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Hey, it's Halloween!
That's a hideous costume!
...It's not a costume?

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Daily Haiku #17

2009-10-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

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I'm a sperm donor.
Blame only Richard Dawkins
And the nurse's hand.

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Daily Haiku #16

2009-10-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

16 is the age of consent in some states.

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A mountain guru.
Tell me, master, what you know!
Your mom is a slut.

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Daily Haiku #15 + 1

2009-10-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

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Have you known true love?
I did, but went to prison.
She was a dolphin.

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Squeek, squeekeekeek pfft,
Beep beep splash splash gurgle splash.
Yes! Do it harder!

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For Joanna, wherever the seas may find her.

Daily Haiku #14

2009-10-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

Two weeks is a long time when you're drosophilia.

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I was raised by wolves,
and by "raised by wolves," I mean
They ate my parents.

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Daily Haiku #13

2009-10-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

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Thirteen is an unlucky number. Pervert.

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Jolly springtime sang,
"Now is the month for maying!"
I have bone cancer.

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