Haiku #179

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Next Time Send A Card, Maybe?


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Breakups during sex:
A gnar way to tell someone.
But then, so's herpes.


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Cannibal Haiku Presents: Bad Poetry Fridays #2

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James McIntyre, Canadian, single-handedly created the genre of the cheese ode. History does not record what toil and struggle it must have cost him to wrest this form from the æther.

That's probably for the best, because he was probably all covered in curds.

Without further ado, the apex of dairy-related poetry:

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Ode on a Mammoth Cheese
Weight over seven thousand pounds.

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We have seen thee, queen of cheese,
Lying quietly at your ease,
Gently fanned by evening breeze,
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

All gaily dressed soon you'll go
To the great Provincial show,
To be admired by many a beau
In the city of Toronto.

Cows numerous as a swarm of bees,
Or as the leaves upon the trees,
It did require to make thee please.
And stand unrivalled, queen of cheese.

May you not receive a scar as
We have heard that Mr. Harris
Intends to to send you off as far as
The great world's show at Paris.

Of the youth beware of these,
For some of them might rudely squeeze
And bite your cheek, then songs or glees
We could not sing, oh! queen of cheese.

We'rt thou suspended from balloon,
You'd cast a shade even at noon,
Folks would think it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon.

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...Yep, James, that pretty much sums it up.

Haiku #178

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And That's Why We Can't Have Nice Things

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Unconditional:
Love, dancing, cash, bacon, friends.
Not so, heart disease.

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Cannibal Haiku Presents: Bad Poetry Fridays #1

This poem answers a question I get asked by readers all the time: "What is liquid?!" They always say it with an interrobang.

It's best to allow Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle, to answer.

What is Liquid?

All that doth flow we cannot liquid name
Or else would fire and water be the same;
But that is liquid which is moist and wet
Fire that property can never get.
Then 'tis not cold that doth the fire put out
But 'tis the wet that makes it die, no doubt.

It's worth noting that Wikipedia said she was a scientist, which goes shows you how easy it was to discover things in the 17th century.

(N.B. women in science are badass.)

Haiku #177

Cannibal Haiku is now old enough to be considered sexually attractive in Late Capitalism.

Dr. Crusher

Coconut crabs:

God's way of telling us all,

"Don't live on islands."

Haiku #176

Interiority, Indeed

Your deepest feelings

Are mostly indigestion.

A common mistake.

Hi. You´re here?

This blog gets less funny in reverse chronological order. There might have been a 'Golden Mean' somewhere in the middle. I don´t know. I got pretty depressed and it stopped being funny. On the other hand, it had more jokes about life being meaningless - so that's a plus!

Regardless, you might like this archive. I do plan to edit it down and condense it into a new site. But I´m in Reykjavik right now making a movie. I AM SO BUSY AND IMPORTANT, OK?

Enjoy.

New Format

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Expect a rollout of the Cannibal Haiku archive in single-page webcomic/random access format at www.cannibalhaiku.com.
(No, it doesn't work yet. Deal with it).


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Valediction and Final Daily Haiku

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Goodnight, Sweet Prince:

(#78/175)

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Friends, Romans, Robots:

Ghenghis Khan knew when he should quit.

Bitches be tired.

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This is a Japanese print of a kitty. If you want something grosser, you can click here. 

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This has been my 175th Cannibal Haiku.

After writing over 9000 darkly comic haiku over six months, I'm bored.

I want to put my daily flippancy-rays to other uses, and feel I've done what I can with this medium.

I may write more as the mood strikes, but I won't do it on a schedule.

So what now?

As my plans currently stand, look forward to the rollout of What The Heart Would Say. It will be a web comic, but it won't be funny, and I don't plan to put it on the internet. I will only distribute it in small books I give to hobos and babies. 

"Babies can't read," you say? 

You're wrong. They can't read yet.

Get ready for science.

I love you all.


Selections from my more "serious" poetry can be found here:
http://moderncannibals.blogspot.com

- Jackson Charles Randall

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Daily Haiku #STFU

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Behold:

ye merry gentlemen:

I'm taking a week off. See you then.

This is an example of shunga, Ukiyo-e prints which blatantly depict sex acts.

Surprise! It's a dick.

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Daily Haiku #76

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I Had A Dream Like This,

Except In It All My Classmates Were Lobsters.

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O! To sleep! To dream!

To be nude, slathered in butter,

Attending classes.

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Daily Haiku #73

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Methamphetamines: 

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

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You see, if you're poor

And you have makeup, then you're hot.

That's poor-ology.

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Bonus: Infallible Haiku, Part I

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Infallible Haiku

Being A Series Of Meditations Upon The Papacy

In Our Moderne Time

Part I

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He doesn't play the game.

The obvious question, then, is:

Why's he make the rules?

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Raping Irish boys;

Wearing red bespoke dandy shoes:

All in a day's work.

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They're infallible,

Except for science, the future,

Logic, and Hitler.

BONUS

If sex is so bad,

Is it better to masturbate

To my confessions?*

*The answer is obviously yes.

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Daily Haiku #71

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White House Correspondence,

vol. 1

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Ho! Human flesh-bags!

I come from space to greet you all!

Your planet is doomed.

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Daily Haiku #70

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Ah, So That's Why

They Do That In Norway.

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Night sweats. They're great, sure;

But even better is being

 Turned into lutefisk.

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Daily Haiku #69

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Mortgages, Soccer Practice, 
And Other Forms Of Bondage Too Horrible To Print.

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"Human Capital".

It is an interesting term,

Like "Wage Slavery."

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Yes, yes, I know it's post #69. What do you want, a medal?

Bonus: On Social Anxiety

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Social Anxiety As Fact And Tool

An Dialectic

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Sometimes, at parties,

I wonder what it would be like

If clothes were snack food.

Other times, I find myself

Having lots to say to the hosts

Until I get there.

Cocktails can help some,

True, as can absurdism, but

Best of all? Leaving.

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Daily Haiku #68

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Sickness comes, but rarely

Does sickness come so cleverly:

A rabbit suit? Sweet.

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Anti-Cannibal Haiku #67

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"I Believe That In The New Millenium, Everyone Will Be Insane."

- Tony Kushner

or

Bacon! That's My Bacon, You Bastards!

or

This One Isn't Very Funny,

I Promise.

No, I'm serious.

...

Fine, You Asked For It.

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I made a joke one time.

 So it went like this: God makes world;

World makes God; we die.

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*wacky cartoon music ending*

Cannibal Haiku #66

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I Suppose Hunger Does Work Like That

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For a Klondike Bar,

I'd kill a man with my hands.

Then I'd eat my hands.

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